My morning routine is pretty simple. I wake up like any other teenage girl (just more beautiful because of my Libra moon of course), eat a light breakfast (because of my Capricorn rising), and hop in my car, ready for another day of every boy at school staring at me. As an Aries, I’m used to it. The constant stares as I flip my hair, the way I move in slow motion and enamor everyone in my path. Life as the best sign can be difficult when everyone’s obsessed with me, but it has its perks.
I used to never believe in astrology until I realized how similar I was to the model Aries. For example, Aries uses charm to get their way. I’ve hit at least four pedestrians (this morning) but nobody ever calls the cops on me because I’m so charismatic (also they’re dead). Aries are strong-willed and hardworking — I once argued so long with a teacher that eventually he just gave up and let me nap in his class. And of course, all Aries love blueberries. I swam in a bath of that once. I’m actually not sure where that fact came from, but it fits.
After years of finding similarities with myself and traits of an Aries, taking numerous Buzzfeed quizzes that confirm it, and reading my Snapchat horoscope of the day, I can consider myself qualified to be an astrologer. However, for all my knowledge, I’ve found that my skills are best applied to myself.
For example, I knew exactly why I hit my brother the other day — Mercury was in retrograde, so my Taurus Mercury was agitated. For some reason my mom didn’t understand how that made me send him flying. For some reason she saw sending him to the ER as “really upsetting.” She’ll never comprehend my universal knowledge.
But I know better than to fall prey to the doubters. Astrology is the foundational science of man. I think it’s a travesty biology is a state requirement instead of the science that explains why I am so breathtakingly hot, smart, funny, and charming.
Being an Aries isn’t all fun and games, though. The stars give a lot of trouble to those that they love the most. Like, the other day my friend got mad at me for stealing her current boyfriend. And her last boyfriend. And the one before that, too. When I told her that’s what my self-written horoscope for the day said to do, she didn’t even understand that I can’t help it! If she has an issue with that, she should take it up with the stars.
My sign also once led me to spend $400 at the mall. That sucked! Now I’m $800 in debt, but I know being an Aries will relieve any temporary financial problems.
My expertise in astrology is too great to use on just myself — as my Venus Taurus always reminds me, I need to gift my knowledge to the world. I’ve now started my own tarot reading business: apparently that’s different from a horoscope but all this universe stuff is pretty much the same.
My two customers do nothing but rave about my readings. I told them the cards said they were hot and going to get a boyfriend soon. They loved it! I was given three stars on Yelp for accuracy and two of the reviews were mine, but three is the number of stars in the Aries constellation, which is all that matters to me.
I also recently discovered that my full birth chart is more than just the signs I like best for the prettiest planets. Such an Aries moment of me.
I wouldn’t trade my birth chart for the world. When I filled out my chart I didn’t know exactly what time or place I was born in, but I feel undoubtedly connected to it nonetheless. I could be either a Gemini or Cancer Pluto, which could explain either why I was sent to the office for cheating on a test or why I cheated on all my boyfriends.
A version of this article appears in print on Feb. 19, 2020, page 13 of the Torch with the headline: Student places in top 1% of Buzzfeed astrology fans.